I’ve also created fake dating profiles just to see what the prospects are like as a woman in the online dating world. And then I have a good number of friends who’ve shared their horror stories with me. Suffice it to say, I’ve got enough knowledge of the online dating world that I’ve noticed definite patterns arise in the kind of men a woman is likely to see. I’ve broken them up in to five easy-to-remember categories for your amusement and probably disgust.
The one-word wonder This guy writes a single word that I imagine he sees as so spectacular any woman will be dazzled into responding. Usually it takes the form of “hey” or “ ’sup” or “hi.” I’d like to give these men the benefit of the doubt and assume they don’t know the average woman on OkCupid gets inundated with dozens of messages a week and a one-word message isn’t actually going to dazzle her into responding. The best part is when these same men angrily message a few hours or days later with an angry all-caps, “WELL I GUESS I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN.” Well you didn’t exactly give us anything to work off of, buddy.
The word salad spinner These might possibly be my favorite messages. One fellow in particular sent the following message: “Very rare for exterior beauty to accompany intellectualism. Though I’m quite fond of those with auspicious characteristics. To the point of magnifying the sole concept we get no second chance in this life.” What does that even mean? It starts out OK, but by the third sentence the meaning is drowning in syllables. His profile also read similarly — like a thesaurus threw up all over his keyboard. So please, for the love of Pete, you do not need to use overly large words and complicated sentence structure in order to impress. Just write like a normal person talks, this isn’t the SATs.
The complimentary cad I’m sure this man has good intentions. He just wants to make the woman feel good about herself. And they start off OK. Generally with a “u r beutiful” or some other misspelled missive aimed at getting those female engines revving. But then ... things go off the deep end. For the sake of more sensitive readers, I can’t repeat exactly the kinds of things that are said. But it generally involves very graphic ways of saying “I’d hit that” or involves choice descriptions of the sexy solo fun he had while perusing your photographs. Suffice it to say, it gets creepy and gross faster than you can say, “Eww, please stop now.”
The rejected retaliator This man sends a nice message. He’s read the woman’s profile. He doesn’t say anything too creepy. But maybe, after a look at his profile, she decides he isn’t for her. Perhaps there just isn’t a physical attraction, or a few red flags start waving in the breeze, or she just isn’t interested in the same things right now. So the woman in question sends a reply to him and says she appreciates his message but, no, she isn’t particularly interested. End of story, right? Wrong. Apparently a kind rejection is just too much for this poor fellow to take. So he will shoot back a bitter, expletive-filled message calling the woman names that would make a sailor blush. His message is filled with, really, some of the most vile and insulting things you can say to another person trying desperately to make the point that he “would never date/sleep with you anyway.” And this is why, oftentimes, women just don’t respond if they aren’t interested.
The actual good guy The unicorn. The magical man. The guy who exists mostly in online dating myth and legend. The man who reads profiles, offers intelligent conversation, has a full grasp of grammar and proper spelling and doesn’t feel the need to resort to gross and insulting language to get attention. He’s kind, respectful and can take “no” for an answer. This is the guy who you agree to meet for coffee and who, even if you don’t end up dating, becomes a friend. Keep a sharp eye for this one because he’s easy to miss in between the creepy, pseudo-intellectual, misogynist jerks who tend to proliferate these websites.
Have a listicle you’d like to see? Get in touch. Moroney may be contacted at kmoroney@lmtribune.com or at (208) 848-2232.
