Commentary/Unlocking the Vault: No cure for the wintertime blues

By T.J. Tranchell The temperature gauge inside my car marked the weather at 10 degrees Friday morning. Down the street, a grocery store reader board bumped the temperature up to 12. “Why am I outside?” I asked the chilly air. “Why must we suffer such frigid conditions?” We can bundle up, layers upon layers, or we can give up, call it a day, go back inside, crank up the heater and the Beach Boys, and start thinking about summer. Why do cable channels insist on showing winter movies during winter? I like “The Shining” just as much or more than the next guy, but if I’m shut in with my family because of a blizzard outside, “The Shining” is the last movie I should be watching. Let’s all start thinking summer — or at least spring — and bask in the warm glow of “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Ah, the sun, the sand, the simpler times when two young insurance company employees could cart around their boss’ corpse for two days without anyone noticing the guy was dead. Sometimes, I read the plotlines of 1980s movies and wonder how these movies ever got made. “Weekend at Bernie’s” wasn’t even the most ridiculous release of 1989, if you can believe that. There were some touchstone films that year, but there was also “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids,” “No Holds Barred” and “Look Who’s Talking.” The interior monologue of an infant with the voice of Bruce Willis is much creepier than two guys carrying around a dead body like it was their best pal. Isn’t it? So these two guys (Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman, who could only have been famous in the late ’80s and early ’90s) have the perfect getaway beach weekend with their deceased boss. Sure there are some hired goons trying to kill them, but in the ’80s, that never stopped anyone from having a good time. Those goons, the ones shooting at the yuppies, were hired by the now-dead Bernie because the yuppies had discovered boss Bernie was embezzling from the company. You know, the kind of thing that happened in the ’80s. All of this makes me think of warm summer days, sitting inside by a fan because it was too hot to be outside. The kind of day that makes one think, “Dang, it’s hot. I should have rented ‘The Shining’ or something about winter.” If you really want a winter movie marathon, watch “The Shining,” “The Ting” and “The Hateful Eight.” Go-to movies to warm you up are “Weekend at Bernie’s,” Summer School” and “The Sandlot.” Such a quandary. It’s either too cold or too hot. I just can’t win. Either way, I’m staying inside as much as possible. Maybe I will watch a nice autumn movie. It’s never too early for “Halloween.” Tranchell is a journalism adviser at University of Idaho. Do you have a favorite seasonal film? Let’s talk: tj.tranchell@gmail.com.