Somehow, I feel like bacon has become more American than bald eagles and apple pie in the last few years.
Sure, bacon is wonderful and I’m a fan of it just like anyone else ... but I don’t quite understand the weird obsession Americans have over bacon-flavored foods that shouldn’t be bacon-flavored and products that should, in no universe, be baconized.
So as a public service, I have gathered together a basic list of 13 products that really prove not everything is better with bacon.
1. Bacon toothpaste
This is just nasty.
2. Bacon bandages
Who wants to cover a wound with what looks like a slab of meat?
3. Bacon soap
Cleanliness is next to Godliness, they say. Except with bacon soap.
4. Bacon candy
You can have bacon. Or you can have candy. You can’t have bacon candy.
5. Bacon frosting
Let cake have its frosting, at the very least.
6. Bacon personal massage oil
I’m sure this is a gag gift. Right? Right. Either way: “No more horrifying bedroom experiments with bacon grease or third-degree skillet massage burns.”
7. Bacon condoms
Just in case you’re bored of the mundane “pumpkin spice” variety, I suppose.
8. Bacon vodka
Is nothing sacred?
9. Bacon ice cream
No Ben and Jerry’s ... not you, too.
10. Bacon tie
Unless you’ve got a pig farmer or butcher in the family — just no.
11. Bacon soda
I like how this is marketed with a picture of eggs. As if that’s supposed to make it OK.
12. Squeezable bacon
There are honestly no words in the English dictionary that can properly convey the horror I feel at this product.
13. Kevin Bacon
“The Air I Breathe” anyone? Nope? Exactly.
Have an idea for a listicle? Get in touch. Moroney may be contacted at kmoroney@lmtribune.com or at (208) 848-2232.
