As a mindful parenting educator, I see a lot of unhelpful family dynamics that have less to do with children and more to do with the shame and guilt a parent is feeling.
I often remind families that tantrums, power struggles, yelling and back-talk are a normal response to feeling unsafe, unseen or being punished. These behaviors are exhibited by both kids and adults; they just look a little different depending on age and emotional maturity.
Over the past few months, I’ve focused my classes and coaching on helping parents turn their mindful parenting practices inward, and I’m seeing beautiful things happen for the whole family. There is so much you can do to calm your own nervous system and stop punishing yourself. I’m sharing some of my favorite starter tools below.
Reframe your black-and-white thinking
I encourage parents to see the gray instead of labeling choices and behaviors as good or bad, right or wrong. Remember that part of being human at any age is making mistakes,
I often remind families that tantrums, power struggles, yelling and back-talk are a normal response to feeling unsafe, unseen or being punished. These behaviors are exhibited by both kids and adults; they just look a little different depending on age and emotional maturity.
Over the past few months, I’ve focused my classes and coaching on helping parents turn their mindful parenting practices inward, and I’m seeing beautiful things happen for the whole family. There is so much you can do to calm your own nervous system and stop punishing yourself. I’m sharing some of my favorite starter tools below.
Reframe your black-and-white thinking
I encourage parents to see the gray instead of labeling choices and behaviors as good or bad, right or wrong. Remember that part of being human at any age is making mistakes,
testing boundaries and straight up losing your temper; it’s not just limited to toddlers and teenagers.
Labeling behavior as bad, wrong, unacceptable, etc., can be unhelpful because we may start to see ourselves as “bad,” which only increases unwanted behaviors rooted in shame and frustration.
I like to encourage parents to think of all behaviors as simply helpful or unhelpful, and to focus more on the feeling beneath the words or specific actions that create challenges. In the process of shifting away from labeling and shaming our kids’ behavior, we become much more gentle about our own mistakes and learn to repair with greater ease.
This might sound like:
Stop punishing yourself
Parents are always shocked when I tell them they don’t need a list of rules and punishments to raise healthy and helpful kids. Parents who demonstrate healthy boundaries and a growth mindset do not need yelling, threats and timeouts to control their child’s behavior. However, many of us cannot stop punishing our kids because we are still punishing ourselves in many ways. We can still hear the disappointment of angry parents, the judgment of teachers and the frustration of friends or colleagues from our formative years. Those voices come back to haunt us in our vulnerable moments and make it very hard to be kind to ourselves and others.
Remember that inherent in all beings is the desire to learn, connect meaningfully and do better. You do not need to be punished when you make a mistake or lose control; you need the space to reflect and skills to try again or repair.
This might look like:
Strengthen your self-soothing muscle
Many adults are really great at soothing others or outsourcing their soothing to someone else, but they struggle to reassure themselves and calm their own nervous system. I didn’t realize how much I avoided being alone with my thoughts and feelings until I went about teaching my little ones to self-soothe and realized I had work to do in this arena if I was going to model this key aspect of self-care for my children.
As I reflected on my inability to self-soothe, I saw that anytime I was feeling pain or struggling I would look to others to help justify my feelings and reassure me. Or I would set about numbing myself with wine, shopping, work, business or just stirring up drama. This sparked a desire in me to take radical responsibility for my own well-being instead of leaving it to others to fix or comfort.
With practice, I learned to recognize the early signs of my anger and anxiety so I could pause to listen to what I needed and then reassure myself and find the calm support I had inside me all along.
This might look like:
Telling yourself it’s normal and healthy to feel difficult and intense feelings; they are important indicators of what you need.
Taking a break so you can use your calming tools (I recommend naps, journaling, taking walks in nature, eating nourishing foods and screaming into pillows) and come back feeling calm and reassured.
Reassuring yourself with mantras like:
Be selfish
Many of us got the memo early on that we’re here to take care of others, conform to their expectations of us and sacrifice our needs and desires to make life easier or to fit in.
Selfishness has really gotten a bad rap, but it’s time to reclaim your ability to take care of yourself and trust that others will take care of themselves. It’s not healthy to look to others to meet your needs, anticipate your desires or make you feel better all the time. The best person to know what you need and give you the support that feels best is you.
Healthy selfishness may feel uncomfortable, but, like a muscle, you can grow it with practice.
This might look like:
My hope is all parents can learn to embrace a version of the world where yelling, threats, shame and punishment don’t exist. You don’t need this old way of doing things; it doesn’t work anyway.
Imagine a world where you accept your complexities, speak to yourself kindly, take time to self-soothe and embrace healthy selfishness as a way to show children and young adults what is possible for them.
Petterson lives in Moscow with her husband and their two children. She left public education to become a yoga instructor, sleep specialist and mindful parenting educator. If you’re interested in joining coming sleep or parenting classes, contact her via her website at kristinepetterson.com. It’s never too late to start mindfully parenting yourself or your kids.
Labeling behavior as bad, wrong, unacceptable, etc., can be unhelpful because we may start to see ourselves as “bad,” which only increases unwanted behaviors rooted in shame and frustration.
I like to encourage parents to think of all behaviors as simply helpful or unhelpful, and to focus more on the feeling beneath the words or specific actions that create challenges. In the process of shifting away from labeling and shaming our kids’ behavior, we become much more gentle about our own mistakes and learn to repair with greater ease.
This might sound like:
- I’m not willing to let you continue jumping on the couch. It seems like you need some outside time. Do you want to get down all by yourself, or shall I give you a piggy-back ride to the yard?
- You sound angry; what’s going on for you? I would love to help you. Can you just tell me kindly what you are needing?
- I’m sorry I got so angry a few minutes ago; I was feeling overwhelmed. I’m calm now and ready to work as a team to clean up this mess. It’s my responsibility to take a break or eat a snack when I start to feel myself getting frustrated, and I’m going to try to do better. It’s not your fault I yelled. Do you want a hug?
Stop punishing yourself
Parents are always shocked when I tell them they don’t need a list of rules and punishments to raise healthy and helpful kids. Parents who demonstrate healthy boundaries and a growth mindset do not need yelling, threats and timeouts to control their child’s behavior. However, many of us cannot stop punishing our kids because we are still punishing ourselves in many ways. We can still hear the disappointment of angry parents, the judgment of teachers and the frustration of friends or colleagues from our formative years. Those voices come back to haunt us in our vulnerable moments and make it very hard to be kind to ourselves and others.
Remember that inherent in all beings is the desire to learn, connect meaningfully and do better. You do not need to be punished when you make a mistake or lose control; you need the space to reflect and skills to try again or repair.
This might look like:
- Noticing when the way you speak to yourself is judgmental, insulting or threatening so you can stop it and discover the vulnerable feelings underneath your harsh words.
- When you’ve made a mistake or have been misunderstood, you remember that it’s normal and the brain learns from mess-ups. You don’t need to feel shame or punish yourself; you can take responsibility and repair when you are ready.
- Working to create a kind and curious inner voice that seeks compassion over judgment and reprimand.
Strengthen your self-soothing muscle
Many adults are really great at soothing others or outsourcing their soothing to someone else, but they struggle to reassure themselves and calm their own nervous system. I didn’t realize how much I avoided being alone with my thoughts and feelings until I went about teaching my little ones to self-soothe and realized I had work to do in this arena if I was going to model this key aspect of self-care for my children.
As I reflected on my inability to self-soothe, I saw that anytime I was feeling pain or struggling I would look to others to help justify my feelings and reassure me. Or I would set about numbing myself with wine, shopping, work, business or just stirring up drama. This sparked a desire in me to take radical responsibility for my own well-being instead of leaving it to others to fix or comfort.
With practice, I learned to recognize the early signs of my anger and anxiety so I could pause to listen to what I needed and then reassure myself and find the calm support I had inside me all along.
This might look like:
Telling yourself it’s normal and healthy to feel difficult and intense feelings; they are important indicators of what you need.
Taking a break so you can use your calming tools (I recommend naps, journaling, taking walks in nature, eating nourishing foods and screaming into pillows) and come back feeling calm and reassured.
Reassuring yourself with mantras like:
- In a sea of others’ voices, desires and needs, I center my own.
- I can calm my own nervous system instead of looking to an outsider to tell me I’m OK.
- My worth is not dependent on other people’s opinions of me.
Be selfish
Many of us got the memo early on that we’re here to take care of others, conform to their expectations of us and sacrifice our needs and desires to make life easier or to fit in.
Selfishness has really gotten a bad rap, but it’s time to reclaim your ability to take care of yourself and trust that others will take care of themselves. It’s not healthy to look to others to meet your needs, anticipate your desires or make you feel better all the time. The best person to know what you need and give you the support that feels best is you.
Healthy selfishness may feel uncomfortable, but, like a muscle, you can grow it with practice.
This might look like:
- Noticing when you’re feeling agitated and upset and stopping yourself from engaging in numbing behaviors.
- Decide ahead of time on a few tools you can use to support yourself when you’re struggling so you don’t have to think: You can just reference a list or image. Be sure to have a variety of strategies for days when you have a chunk of time to connect with yourself, and other quick tools for times when you may only have a moment to hit the reset button. Use mantras to help you embrace selfishness as healthy.
- I prioritize my own health, growth, happiness, joy and freedom.
- My birthright is abundance, freedom and joy.
- I don’t need to justify or earn my health and happiness.
My hope is all parents can learn to embrace a version of the world where yelling, threats, shame and punishment don’t exist. You don’t need this old way of doing things; it doesn’t work anyway.
Imagine a world where you accept your complexities, speak to yourself kindly, take time to self-soothe and embrace healthy selfishness as a way to show children and young adults what is possible for them.
Petterson lives in Moscow with her husband and their two children. She left public education to become a yoga instructor, sleep specialist and mindful parenting educator. If you’re interested in joining coming sleep or parenting classes, contact her via her website at kristinepetterson.com. It’s never too late to start mindfully parenting yourself or your kids.
